10,000 Hits

10,000 hits, and counting.

For veteran bloggers, that number probably isn’t very impressive. And yet, I’m sure most guys starting out on their blog have experienced a small amount of self satisfaction for creating content interesting enough for total strangers to keep checking on.

Seriously, thank you guys. You rock.

And I promised I would unveil something special for reaching this milestone, didn’t I? If I had hit 10,000 hits two weeks ago, I wouldn’t have anything for you guys, but it just so happens that I’ve recently decided to take part in a new project. And now I’m going to tell you what it is.

I’m sure most of you heard about this game called Final Fantasy VII.

Good game.

An RPG classic. Hasn’t aged very well, especially in the visual and dialogue department, but people still love it, and we’re still checking every major event for the day a remake is announced.

Then there’s the PC version, ported by Eidos.

Possibly not the last time you'll see the Square and Eidos logos in the same box.

It offers a slight resolution boost, and fixes a fair amount of the grammar issues from the PS1 version (as well as censoring most of the swears), but it’s an absolute pain in the ass to get running, especially on Vista. It also has a midi soundtrack that is so bad, you’d need a word worse than “inferior” to describe it. But there are ways to fix that.

Anyway, most PC games have a dedicated mod community attached to them, but I’ve never really seen any groups for FFVII. Weird, right? It’s such a popular game and all.

Well, one particular group came to my attention. I was also surprised by many of their programs, which can be used to edit several different things in the original game.

There, I had discovered Loveless, a program that allows you to edit the entire script, word by word. So, after “acquiring” a copy of FFVII on the PC, I downloaded the program and ran it. I was curious just how complex it would be to edit all that text.

Frankly, I was shocked at how easy it was.

The program breaks down all the text by location; Open up the path in the train car, for instance, and you get all the dialog that takes place in that area, including when Cloud first boards it and when he makes a return trip later. Editing the text is as simple as typing, copying, and pasting, and you can even resize the text boxes as well as adding extra lines. In short, you could make conversations much longer than originally intended.

Well….I’m sure you can figure out where I’m going with this.

FFVII has a really dodgy translation. And as far as I know, no one has ever done a rewrite of the script, like some people have done with the previous SNES era Final Fantasies.

So as a result, I’m going to be the man who does it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present the birth of a new category.

Final Fantasy VII: Re-imagined

As a self proclaimed lover of the series and especially of it’s seventh entry, I have taken it upon myself to rewrite the entire FFVII script. By doing this, I hope to create a new localization that is not only more legible, but also more consistent with Square Enix’s current standards.

But what I’m planning goes beyond simply touching up any grammatical errors. I am also planning to touch up the dialogue, practically rewriting certain lines entirely, but making sure that the original context of the script is kept intact.

But the one thing I plan to especially focus on is character detail; The original script did a commendable job of defining our favorite characters, but I have decided to add further bits of interactions and quirks to diversify them even further.

But in addition to create a more dramatic reading, I also plan to add my own style of humor, whenever applicable. The townspeople, in particular, will offer the broadest room for creativity, as much of what they say tends to be either stilted and dry, or just outright makes no sense (perhaps something lost in the translation).

Of course, I also plan to add a few pop culture references, as well as a few internet memes and in-jokes. Rest assured, though, that I won’t be going overboard with it, lest I end up turning this into a Working Designs localization.

As for any dramatic changes, any revisions I make will be done to help achieve a better understanding of the conflicts taking place in FFVII’s world. This includes a better wording of the more complex plot points, an added bit of foreshadowing and introductory moments, and perhaps even a couple of nods to the Compilation sequels and prequels.

To top things off, here’s a small FAQ I’ve thought up, based on questions from various sources and people.

Is this a complete retranslation of FFVII?

No. Let me set the record straight that I don’t know a lick of Japanese, much less translating it. I’ve tried searching for an online script that has translated the game accurately, but that doesn’t seem to exist. What I’m doing is taking the original NA localization and polishing it up from there. I realize this means that the finished project won’t end up as a 100% accurate interpretation of the original script, but that’s not what I’m aiming for. I’m basically reimagining FFVII in my own words.

Isn’t this basically fanfiction?

In some ways, it is. I don’t want to say I’m a cut above the average fanfiction writer…..no, actually, I will say that. I’ve thought for a long while what improvements I would make to FFVII’s script, and I’ve read plenty of fanfiction attempts to know what works and what doesn’t. Basically, I’m completely confident that what I write will meet the standards that people would expect from an acceptable localization. It’s up to each of you to believe that I can pull it off.

Why not just turn this into a straight parody?

Well, first off, I’m not that funny. Trying to think up humorous moments throughout the entire script would prove rather maddening, and I won’t take the easy internet route by adding a bunch of memes, LOLs, and OMGs throughout. Also, I’m too much of a fan to find myself bashing the entire story from start to finish. I do have a few plans to poke fun at a few elements along with the more bizarre plot developments, but all of it will be done with restraint. If you’d rather see a parody, the tools are available to you should you wish to attempt it.

Why do this when a remake is practically around the corner?

I appreciate your optimism. I firmly believe a remake will happen, but I couldn’t tell you exactly when such an announcement will occur. Even if it were announced this year (I’ll keep hoping along with the rest of you), I wouldn’t immediately abandon this project. I still want to leave my personal mark in the FFVII series, to create a revision that people will (hopefully) enjoy and talk about even when the remake is available for purchase.

Are you only editing the script, or will you make some technical changes as well?

In addition to the in-game dialogue, I’m also making changes to the names of spells and items, in order to conform to current FF standards. Using a program named Teioh, I am able to edit the names of every spell, ability, weapon, and items in the game.

Using this, I will change the spell names to reflect the current (and correct) naming schemes, namely the -ara and -aga affixes instead of the I, II, and III scheme used in older games. Also, in addition to renaming certain weapons and accessories (Organics=Ogre Nix), I plan to add a personal touch to certain key items by adding descriptions for them. This, of course, is another way to add in some context, or little nods to the updated canon.

Is there anything you won’t be able to rewrite?

A few things, unfortunately. For one, it seems impossible to edit any dialogue that occurs during battles (namely boss fights like Reno and Rufus). I also won’t be able to edit any dialog occurring in FMV scenes, which means the ending will have to be left as is (though even my edits can’t really improve that mess of an ending, either way). It also appears that I won’t be able to edit Cloud’s materia tutorial.

What are you going to do about the swearing?

First off, I’m going to remove all instances of censorship (namely the %@#%$!), as it looks quite silly. But also keep in mind that I’m going to cut down on the swearing as well. I want to make the swearing more notable, like if someone calls another person by a swear, it actually registers as something personal. Of course, Cid will still retain much of his sailor talk, but I plan to help you understand the difference on when he’s swearing just for fun, and when he’s doing it because he wants to truly insult the person. Also, there won’t be any F-bombs, despite some people swearing that a couple were present in the Japanese script.

You mentioned diversifying the characters more. Could you elaborate?

Basically, I’m going to work to give each and every character their own voice and identify. For the most part, this was already done in the original dialog, but I want to add a bit more personal touches to make each character stand out. Tifa and Aerith, for instance, have often been critiqued for sounding pretty much the same. I’m adding some touches so that you can sense a notable difference between the two, how they react to situations and so forth. The same goes for Barret and Cid; I’m cutting down on the former’s swearing and giving him some additional quirks so he doesn’t seem like a carbon copy of the latter.

So does that mean Barret’s ebonics are out?

They won’t be removed entirely, but they will be cut down severely. It was funny in the 90’s, but now it’s just an embarrassing stereotype.

But what about “I pity da fool!”? You have to work that in somewhere.

I’ve already found a place for it. I’m sure you’ll be pleased.

What about “This guy are sick.”? That’s a classic!

The bad news is that Aerith won’t be saying that anymore. But, due to popular demand, I will rework the line somewhere else. I can’t think of any way to include it without making it an intentional misspelling, but I suppose most of you won’t mind.

Wait, you’re calling her Aerith? It’s Aeris!!

No it isn’t. Besides, you can name her whatever you want. I don’t think there’s a way to change the default names anyway.

You’re Tifa-biased, aren’t you? That means you’re not going to give Aerith/s fair treatment! She’s Cloud’s true love and you know it!!

I won’t hide it, I do vastly prefer Tifa over Aerith. However, I am going to give both girls equal treatment, and in all honesty I might have more fun rewriting Aerith (more details to come in future posts). But as much as you Aerith fans like to deny it, there does exist a romantic element between Cloud and Tifa in the later half, and it’s even been confirmed in multiple sources/compilation project that they’re official. I’m not going to destroy that subtlety with any new lines, but I am going to make my own touches into one of my favorite romances in a videogame (as well as Disc 2’s touching scene in the hill).

Please, no Gackt references.

No promises.

Are you going to edit anything else, such as the graphics or music?

I’ve just been made aware of the mods released for FFVII on the PC. I’ve yet to successfully implement any changes into the game besides my rewrite. At the moment, it’s best if you check out the mod board yourself. I could potentially release a torrent containing the revamped game and the rewritten script, but something like that will probably only occur once the script is released. I don’t want to delay things further because of other technical issues.

So when will this be released?

I don’t want to list a solid release date. It entirely depends how much effort I put into this on a weekly basis, and also if I succumb to writer’s block (it’s a horrible condition). I want to optimistically say “within the year”, but that’s really a self assurance. I hate to think it’ll take any longer than that. At the very least, I should have it ready before the remake….

So how will I play this?

All of FFVII’s text is contained in a certain file. Supposedly, all you have to do is replace that file with the revised one that I’ll put up. I’ll create a small .txt file with instructions, so you remember to back up your original text file in case you want to revert back to the old translation.

Will this work on the PSX version?

Nope, PC version only. If there’s ever a way to edit the text in the PSX version, I might edit that as well, but I can’t imagine it would be as easy as this.

Can I beta test this?

You sure can. I’m planning to release a “demo” soon. I’m trying to rewrite all the dialogue up to when Cloud falls after his battle with the Airbuster boss (and right before he meets Aerith). From there, I’ll be awaiting any feedback or suggestions, so I can move forward as planned.

Can I offer some suggestions on the dialog?

Absolutely. If you’ve got any ideas for a particular scene or NPC, just send me your ideas. If I like it, I’ll add it and find some way to credit you for it (sadly, I won’t be able to edit the credits. Too bad, I would’ve liked to have my name displayed).

Will you do any other projects after this one?

Probably not. There really isn’t anything else I have an interest in rewriting. I’ve been somewhat curious what I could do with a Xenogears rewrite, but that would prove absolutely maddening. That game probably has three times more text than FFVII.

Retroactive Reviews: Sega Mega Drive Collection

It’s funny. I pretty much had this review all ready in my head the first day I played this collection, but it ended up taking the standard two weeks to get it ready. Oh well, at least it’s on time.

And in case you’re wondering, I’m from the US. The website I submitted this to (Dark Zero) is mostly UK based, and since the PS3 is region free, I agreed to review this game.

My only disappointment is that I couldn’t find room to talk about Shinobi III in the review. It really is one of the best Genesis games ever made, if not the best Ninja game ever. Itadaki’s Ninja Gaiden two-parter’s got nothing on this classic.

Anyway, the reviews aren’t going to be stopping anytime soon, because I’ve got four more games I need to play. You’ll find out what those are soon enough.

I’m also working on a new, supersecret project that might interest quite a few of you. Anyone from Penny Arcade should already know what that is, but I don’t want to make an official post in this blog until I’m certain that progress is being made in a timely manner. I notice this blog is nearing 10,000 hits (thanks!), so that might be the best time to unveil it.

In the meantime, SEGA!

Sega Mega Drive Collection

Score: 8.0/10

The Sega Mega Drive (or Sega Genesis, as it’s called in North America) was, for a time, Nintendo’s greatest rival for most of the ‘80’s and ‘90’s. What the black box lacked in horsepower, it made up for with attitude (most famously represented with the birth of their star mascot, Sonic the Hedgehog). The Super Nintendo may have had Mode 7, 256 colors, and a better sound chip, the Mega Drive had “Blast Processing”; it wasn’t a real chip, but it sure worked to sucker in people along with promotions featuring screaming heavy metal and unrestricted violence (at the time, it was the only system to have a fully uncut Mortal Kombat for purchase).

Make no mistake, Sega’s games had a style all their own, and this latest collection features the largest gathering of their classic titles yet. From the complete 16-bit iterations of popular franchises, to classic quarter draining arcade titles, to the most obscure games from Sega’s library, there’s a little bit of gaming history in each of the 40 plus titles in this collection. But how many of these relics deserve preservation, and how many should be burned from existence? Read on.

The main interface is standard fare, displaying all available games in a drop-down list, which can be sorted alphabetically, by genre, or even by a favorites list (where you can rate each game by a number from one to four, thus placing all your favorite titles on the top; a nice touch). Each title has a small “history” section that displays the original artwork for the box and cartridge, along with a brief summary of the game along with some trivia. It’s nothing that a quick Google search couldn’t pick up, but it’s an appreciated touch.

The games are presented in their original aspect ratio, with different borders for each title. Using the select menu, you can have the game automatically stretched to fit your screen, but some games may end up getting stretched too far, requiring manual adjustments. There’s also a “smoothing” option, which attempts to smooth out the dated pixels, but some games actually end up losing detail with the smoothing feature. Streets of Rage, in particular completely loses its city lights in the background, while the Shining Force series filters its character portraits to the point that their features are practically unrecognizable. This half-baked attempt to visually boost these old games can be quite disappointed, especially when less official emulators have succeeded in offering several filters and resolution boosts with little to no sacrifice on the original presentation.

A more successful feature is the ability to create save states, where every game can be saved and resumed at any time. Oldschool devotees can also stick to passwords and cheat inputs, which are also intact in each game. Controls can also be individually customized and also feature turbo inputs, but sadly lack the ability to use six-button controls, making games dependent on them (especially Comix Zone) suffer as a result.

Fortunately, the games themselves play as identically as their cartridge-based incarnations. Every game loads up instantly and features no lag or glitches whatsoever. The only minor issue is some downgraded and/or re-sampled sound effects; Some sound issues in Sonic the Hedgehog for instance, including the ‘ping’ noise from hitting the star bumpers or the metal ‘clank’ from attacking Robotnik, lack the oomph that was felt in the original games. A few older games, such as Altered Beast, feature some minor scratching in their sound effects as well. These aren’t major enough to prove annoying, but it might frustrate purists looking for 100% accuracy.

Aside from those issues, the games themselves are fully intact, and there’s enough variety to appeal to gamers of all types. For anyone who hasn’t bought any of the previous collections, Sonic fans will be delighted to know that this collection features his entire library of Mega Drive games, from the classic quadralogy (Sonic 1-3, Sonic and Knuckles) to his less-than-stellar spinoffs (Sonic Spinball, Sonic 3D Blast, Robotnik’s Mean Bean Machine). Unfortunately, Sonic 3 and Knuckles, the cartridge combination of Sonic 3 and Sonic and Knuckles, is not available to play. This is unfortunate as this edition was practically a new game in itself, adding new music and events within the original levels as well as the ability to play Knuckles throughout the entire campaign.

Beat-’em-up fans will be especially delighted at the inclusion of the entire Streets of Rage trilogy. What this gang-busting games lacked in Final Fight’s (and all its clones) visuals, it made up for with more moves, more enemies, and an all around curb-stomping attitude; Police officers clean the streets with rocket launchers, broken bottles can be used as weapons, and your team consists of police girls in skivvies, urban kids with skateboards, cyborgs, and kangaroos. It also has a standout soundtrack, which is doubly impressive considering the MD’s sound chip. And then there’s the Golden Axe trilogy, which takes a Conan the Barbarian-like twist on the genre, and offers just as much entertainment.

But RPG aficionados have even greater cause to celebrate, because this collection is jam packed with Sega’s finest. All four Phantasy Star titles are included, along with Shining Force, its sequel Shining Force II, and its prequel, Shining in the Darkness. There’s also The Story of Thor (Beyond Oasis in the US), which is an interesting hybrid between Aladdin and The Legend of Zelda. Less subtle is the obscure Golden Axe Warrior, a Master System game that shamelessly rips off Nintendo’s classic title with its top/down view, overworld enemies, dungeons, music, and anything else you can think of.

For fans of classic side-scrolling games, Ultimate Collection has you covered as well. There’s cute-but-tricky classics like Ristar and Dynamite Heady, darker yet equally entertaining early ’90 throwbacks like E-Swat and Alien Syndrome, the grave-rising classic (and one of the first ever titles for the system) Altered Beast, and obscure but oddly charming entries like DeCap Attack and Chameleon Kid.
The rest of the collection is a mixed bag, both good and bad. There are games strange enough that they don’t fall under any genre, like Ecco the Dolphin, Flicky, and Bonanza Bros, along with some arcade classics like Space Harrier and Fantasy Zone. From these leftovers, however, there are some titles that haven’t aged very well, such as Alex Kidd, Zaxxon, and Super Thunder Blade. These games may have been included for nostalgic value, but the truth is that they were likely better off left as memories.

The extras in this collection include video interviews with some of Sega’s greatest minds (although some, including Sonic the Hedgehog’s creator, sound like they’ve lost the passion they once shared during Sega’s golden years), along with Trophies. The latter may disappoint achievement hounds with their easy requirements (Sonic the Hedgehog’s sole trophy requires collecting just one chaos emerald, while Ecco the Dolphin’s trophy asks players to perform the arduous task of talking to another dolphin), but doing so also unlocks the aforementioned arcade titles.

And while there are plenty of popular titles that could have been added to the collection, including Earthworm Jim, Gunstar Heroes, Splatterhouse 2 and 3, and perhaps a few games from the Sega CD and Saturn consoles, there is still more than enough bang for your buck here. It may not be the ultimate collection fans wanted, but it’s still a jam packed look into a time where the Genesis does what Nintendon’t.

Jawsome Japanimation: Final Fantasy

When I originally worked on this post, over a week and a half ago, I had opened up with a comment about how my thumb was aching from too much Street Fighter IV, and that I was too cheap to invest in a Madcatz Fightpad controller.

One week later, the opening already became obsolete, as I ended up buying a controller after all (Blanka model. I really wanted Ryu, but it was all they had, and they were quite scarce at the time, so apples and oranges). So now that I’ve updated this opening accordingly, let’s proceed with the rest of the article.

Last time, I talked about the various animated adaptions of Street Fighter. Today, I’ll be talking about Final Fantasy, and its various animated adaptions.

It’s going to be a short list.

Sadly, the FF series has very little anime adaptions, which is a crying shame considering that it should be a cinch to bring the various worlds and characters to life. It would also fill in a much needed void for more fantasy-based anime. Sure, there’s Lodoss War, Escaflowne, and The Slayers, but after that there isn’t much to write about.

When word hit me that there was indeed a Final Fantasy anime (around the time I started getting into the series with FFVI, called FFIII during the SNES days), I grew anxious to learn more. All I had at the time was a small blurb in EGM (or was it their failed side-mag? I forget) as well as a couple of pictures. The internet wasn’t available at the time, so I was left wondering about this foreign relic for several years; we got the Street Fighter II movie, but this mysterious FF anime looked to stay exclusive to Japan.

At least until Urban Vision (who I think is defunct now) released it as one of their first dubbed VHS tapes. I was quite excited to finally see this thing in action, but I was also keeping the notion that maybe there was a reason it wasn’t released right away….

Final Fantasy: Legend of the Crystals

Notice how they cover their tracks with that "Based On" part.

Taking place 500 years after Final Fantasy V (which would take even longer to arrive in NA, under the “Final Fantasy Anthology” collection on PS1, and it took even longer than that to play FFV with a good translation), an evil force is stealing the crystals of Planet R (don’t quote me on whether that’s canon) for evil.

It’s up to hot-headed motorcyclist/swordmaster Pretz….

"Hmm, the crystal of the Wind. Fascinating. Fascinating."

And the cute but incredibly naive Summoner Linali to solve this mystery.

"Ooh, she's pretty."

I’ll just get right to the point: This is a very bizarre adaption of Final Fantasy. Much like Street Fighter Alpha: Generations, this is what happens when you hire a director who’s more into the “artsy” side of Japanimation, and is asked to adapt a popular game series that was doing just fine without his “creative liberties”.

The designs for the two main characters are fine, pretty much standard FF fare, but everyone else and the world around them suffers from some weird Dune-esque stylings. You’ve got Chocobos who look like they had all their feathers plucked, hulking goblin creatures with the largest pair of manboobs you’ll ever see outside of Fight Club (at least I hope those are moobs; it’s much more disturbing to think they’re female), alien robots that speak a completely made up language (but whose boss communicates to them in English, sort of like Jabba the Hutt in reverse), and several other oddities.

The actions of the characters and the plot surrounding them is even stranger. Pretz and Linali manage to secure the Wind Crystal, which immediately decides to hide itself inside Linali’s butt.

No, Seriously.

Oh, Japan.

Then there’s the fact that both characters are incredibly suicidal in nature; Pretz plays chicken with someone pointing a gun right at him, while Linali has a tendency to make literal leaps of faith, by jumping from areas that she seriously shouldn’t attempt jumping from.

Now that's improvising.

There’s also the main villain. In addition to his butt ugly underlings, he’s also one of the most impractical looking villains out there, even worse than Ex-Death’s tree form at the end of FFV.

His name is Ra-Devil, and his robot form here is Deathguynos. And I thought Ex-Death was cliche.

His master plans are just as perplexing; Taking the brain from the recently deceased Cid from FFV (because brains don’t rot once the person dies, right?), Ra-Devil plants the brain underneath his robot stomach and increases it five times its normal size, in order to absorb its “knowledge” of the crystals. Once he finally receives the crystals, he undertakes his “God form”, which results in him looking like a plate of leftover lasagna. If it was an homage to Tetsuo’s mutation in Akira, at least the former had a semblance of shape to it; Ra-Devil’s form is basically a bunch of mush that shoots electricity. I should stop making fun of Ex-Death’s final form as a result. I won’t, but I should.

Some of the weirdness pays off, though. One particularly memorable character, Valkus, bears more than a few resemblances character-wise to FFIX’s Steiner. I wouldn’t be surprised if he served as some sort of inspiration to the hot-headed, overly loyal soldier, especially because they also share a love interest with the respective bad girls of both iterations.

Also, that isn't a moustache, those are his nose hairs. That is hard core, man.

I also thought it was amusing how the background characters all resembled one another; I’d like to think that was a jab at Final Fantasy’s soldiers and townspeople all looking alike, just as how the Pokemon series poked fun at the hundreds of Nurse Joys and Officer Jennys of the world.

Truth be told, Legend of the Crystals is pretty entertaining, if you’re willing to forgive the fact that it’s supposed to be an FF anime. The animation is quite nice, there’s quite a few amusing situations here (thanks to the fact that the characters take a batshit insane approach to everything), and the dub is actually one of the best dubbed animes I’ve ever heard. Featuring recogonizble voice actors, mostly from the Tenchi Muyo series (Tenchi, Sasami, Washu), Urban Vision always did a great job with their english efforts, with their delivery and localization exceeding the original Japanese versions.

Also, fun fact: every single english VA from this series is used in Final Fantasy X, mostly as bit parts (Shelinda, Claska, Yunalesca, Luzzu). Another fun fact is that Linali’s Japanese voice played Tifa in Ehrgeiz.

Finally, for those who played through FFV, the original heroes do make a couple of appearances, mostly in flashback, ghostly form.

Looking back, I don't think Galuf was that tall. Or that buff.

Faris even appears with her bare breast exposed in one sequence, probably meant to symbolize how she’s actually a woman underneath her male disguise. Or maybe it was a bizarre, artsy attempt at fanservice. You know, aside from Linali’s glowing panties.

Final Fantasy Unlimited

False advertising, in every way imaginable.

When I had heard that a new FF anime series was being produced, I was overjoyed; even more so because Gonzo was the studio behind it, and at the time their pedigree was quite prestigious (especially with Last Exile, a wonderfully big budget epic that was very close to an FF adaption as copyright allowed).

That joy quickly faded away once the opinions started appearing online. Now to be fair, I haven’t watched this series aside from the first episode from a Newtype USA DVD (RIP), but that was enough to convince me that most of the negativity of Unlimited was spot on. That might sound unfair, and I still may end up watching the series in its entirety one day….but I’d much rather not put myself through it.

I haven't seen a pair of mountains that big since ten seconds ago!

For one thing, Gonzo must have been paid in chocobo feed, because the animation in this show is anything but “big budget”; Characters are drawn in this weird, flat style with absolutely no shadowing, and their appendages (especially their noses) have a habit of vanishing in one frame but reappearing in another. At least Legend of the Crystals had a consistent animation style. FFU’s animation simply looks unfinished.

At least they got one thing right.

As for the characters, they stray very far from the Final Fantasy norm, which might sound like a good thing to some, but that doesn’t make them compelling in any way. The two main kids, Ai and Yu (wonder if the twist involves them having a long lost triplet named Mii?), aren’t very memorable from any other brother and sister character you’ve seen elsewhere, aside from the fact that they seem to love screaming “WONDERLAND” several times per episode.

But hey, Chocobos are actually yellow this time, so that’s a plus. The Cid in this adaption is also a young man, which is also an interesting idea were it not for his rather creepy obsession with his airship (which he calls “Darling” in a less-than-healthy tone).

And then there’s Lisa….

It's a kid's show.

When people critique Tifa’s look in Final Fantasy VII, I’m always on the defensive side; I can’t find myself doing the same for Lisa here. Take a look at some of the show’s artwork (including that image I posted a bit back during Dissidia’s Do’s and Dont’s…you know the one), and it’s more than obvious that her inclusion was meant to lure in the adult crowd. It also doesn’t help that her personality, most of the time, is that of a complete ditz. This later turns out to be a bit of a facade, but I don’t exactly see the point in masquerading as a clueless bimbo to a pair of ten year olds.

She’s also supposed to act as a surrogate mother to Ai and Yu, but I get a much creepier vibe than that….

This shot is used to represent the children's longing for a nurturing mother. Also, boobies.

I've also noticed that in many of these shots, he rarely looks at her eye to eye.

Too easy.

But if you happen to be among the “adult” demograph this show is trying to lure in, I should warn you that the promo art is about as cheesecake as it gets. Since the animation is so sporadic, Lisa’s curves are rarely represented the way the producers probably intended. You won’t find any torn clothes or Gainaxing around here (and the few times the latter occurs, it’s a sad low budget attempt).

But you will find a decent amount of soft tentacle action.

Again, it's a kid's show.

Lisa tries to remind the director that this is a kid's show.

The kids get involved in the bondage action too, but I’ll spare you the shots. Between this, the phallac-shaped monsters of the week, and the very existence of Pist (yes, that’s a character), Final Fantasy Unlimited should at least appeal to the fetish crowd, though I’m not sure that was the director’s intention. Or maybe it is, sure, let them have whatever audience they can get. It wasn’t enough, anyway, because the series was quickly cancelled, leaving the unfinished story to be released as novels and drama CDs (which are, ironically enough, also unfinished due to lackluster sales. Well, they tried).

Frankly, there’s little positive to say about Final Fantasy Unlimited. The animation is crap, the plot revolves around a monster of the week premise, there’s very few actual nods to the series it’s supposed to be adapting, and the supposed “hero” of the show, Kaze, is even more of an unfriendly doucehbag than Cloud or Squall; he shows up at the last minute of every episode to deliver the final blow to the monster, then wanders off. Rinse and repeat until your ratings plummet.

Now I am told that the final couple of episodes are actually well done, and do a strong job of conveying several of the themes that make the FF series so beloved. I still doubt it’s worth suffering through this show, when you could just be replaying your favorite moment from the games. Or watch Legend of the Crystals again; Chocobos aside, it’s closer to an FF adaption as this series ever was.

Last Order: Final Fantasy VII

“An anime adaption of Final Fantasy VII could never happen”, most fans would say.

“Yes, it can”, I’d usually reply. With the right care and budget, Square’s most popular entry in the FF series could come to animated life.

For a brief moment, during the core moment of FFVII’s big revival (that being the Japanese release of Advent Children), Square finally attempted this.

And guess what? They succeeded.

The first official signs of FFVII in animated form came from this promo commercial for Before Crisis, the Turk-centric cellphone game that is, to this day, still a Japanese exclusive (are our cellphones really that far behind Japan’s?). The promo mostly features the original characters made for BC’s story, but it also briefly shows Rufus, Rude, and Reno from the original game.

It’s nicely animated, but it’s not like a short teaser could really prove if FFVII can work in anime form. The real test came shortly afterward, with the release of a bonus half hour OVA, included with the Japanese version of Advent Children. Titled “Last Order: Final Fantasy VII”, it centered around Zack and Cloud during their escape as Hojo’s experiments, as well as flashing back to the Nibelheim Incident, the crucial point that jump starts FFVII’s story for all its characters.

Apparently his swings are so fast, enemies evaporate into dust. Awesome.

An anime adaption of Final Fantasy VII, and it focuses on my favorite moment in the whole game, the Nibelheim flashback? You can certainly bet I was excited. I repressed my desires to see Advent Children early, and decided to wait for the official NA release, but I didn’t wait long to download Last Order, especially since it was apparent Square USA wasn’t going to include it.

On closer inspection, he resembles FFVI's Sabin quite a bit. Coincidence?

This OVA did not disappoint; the events from the original game were told pretty much perfectly (minus a few changes that aren’t worth bitching about, including a quite interesting one that will be mentioned below), it gave us a look into what kind of bad-ass Zack was (he was only given about six minutes of screen-time in the original, yet that was enough to establish a big fanbase), and the animation was quite wonderful, doing an excellent job of flawlessly translating Nomura’s designs for this adaption.

All I did was google my name, and....sniff....

There was also a great amount of detail on the facial expressions, something that I feel that anime still has an edge over CG. Tifa, for instance, is especially lovely, even when filled with sadness or anger. And Sephiroth…

Oh, shit.

Sephiroth is just scary in this feature. When he’s ready to stab Tifa, the look of delight he gives off is chilling, and neatly coincides with his smirk in the original game, after he dispatches that other person during the famous event from the first disc. For people who debated whether or not Sephiroth felt any emotion whenever he massacres people, this should tell you: Yes, and he enjoyed it too.

The anime has a bit more violence and brutality than what was seen in the original game or Advent Children (at least the original cut), especially during Seph’s encounters with Zack and then Cloud. Cloud gets stabbed twice instead of just once, which makes his adrenaline rush all the more poignant (but also adds a bit of confusion, where in this version, Sephiroth willingly jumps to his doom). Strangely enough, though, Tifa doesn’t have a scratch on her after being attacked by Sephiroth. Between this and the bloodless death of that other character, I wonder if Square has some sort of policy where their female leads can’t be seen critically wounded.

Anyway, regarding the most major change in this OVA….

If this really happened, the events of the first game would have changed dramatically.

In this version, Tifa actually regains consciousness to witness young Cloud coming to her rescue. The dialog during this moment is actually taken from the original game, during Disc 2’s reunion of the two while they fell in the Lifestream. This certainly isn’t canon, since it was vitally important that Tifa would not know that Cloud really was there during the events of Nibelheim, but regardless, it’s a cute moment between the two. It was probably added to lighten the depressing moments to follow, but it’s still an appreciated touch of fanservice for fans of this coupling, and should erase any doubts about their relationship.

Episode: Denzel

Dragoon in the making?

Naturally, I was eager for more FFVII animation, and my desire came somewhat true with the announcement that Advent Children: Complete would include another OVA feature. Titled “Episode: Denzel”, this feature is an adaption of the “Case of Denzel” short story that was part of the “On the Way to a Smile” series of novellas. It’s also being animated by A-1 pictures instead of Madhouse, a company I’m not familiar with, but one that I’m hoping can get the job done (they’re also doing the Valkyria Chronicles TV series, which is looking quite promising so far).

Unfortunately, I don’t share the same excitement that I did with Last Order. The reason is because Denzel’s story doesn’t feature any of the FFVII cast (though Cloud and Tifa may make an appearance at the very end), and focuses entirely on Denzel wandering the ruins of Midgar, emo’ing around until he’s eventually picked up by Cloud.

It’s especially unfortunate, because I really, really wanted “Case of Tifa” to be adapted instead. Not only is the entire cast featured, but it’s a wonderful story for fans of the original game, and has lots of dramatic, personal moments that would have been very interesting to see in animated form (including a drunk Cloud). Maybe that’s still a possibility, but until then, if you wanted to learn Denzel’s origins, but didn’t want to read a bunch of text on someone’s fansite, this anime is the way to go.

Final Fantasy in Other Media:

Considering how popular the series is, it shouldn’t be a suprise that the FF games have been referenced more than once in other animes, mangas, or TV shows.

Yuffie could only dream of having curves like that.

The manga series Genshiken features a small homage, where two of the main characters head to a cosplay convention dressed as Tifa and Yuffie, respectively. The Tifa cosplayer is embarrassed at all the attention she’s getting, as she’s quite a dead-on looker for the character. I’m not too familiar with this series, so I’m uncertain if this scene made its way to the anime adaption. Regardless, it’s a funny moment, although both girls are a bit more curvaceous than they were originally designed.

Sirs and Ladies, I'm afraid your attire is not suitable to attend this party.

Another manga, Descendants of Darkness (which I know even less about) features most of teh FFVII cast making an appearance in the background.

Whatever.

The author behind Love Hina is an unapologetic FF fan, putting in more than a few references and cameos in the manga. There’s also that rather infamous doujin by the same artist, featuring Aerith, Yuffie, and a corded telephone. I’ll just leave it at that….

Personally, I only see a vague resemblance, but whatever.

There’s also Digimon (which was a pretty decent Pokemon ripoff back in the day, but has now gathered a very disturbing group of fans), which has been theorized for years of using FF as an homage for its characters. One character, Mimi, has been considered an homage to Aerith.

I don't see the point in the boxing gloves. You'd think thorny hands would be deadly enough. Again, whatever.

A much more obvious source of inspiration is Mimi’s digimon, Togemon. Not only does it almost practically resembles FF’s beloved (hated?) cactus creature Cactuar, it even has an attack named “10,000 needles”.

Pokemon? I'd rather kill a man! Vwee hee hee hee!

And while not cited as often, I personally always saw a bit of a connection between Myotismon and Kefka. Remove the vampire mask and add some facepaint, and they’re pretty much twins.

And of course, there’s official manga adaptions related to Final Fantasy, including manga series based on Crystal Chronicles, Final Fantasy XI, and of course Kingdom Hearts, but it would take too long in this post to mention. Maybe if I’m fortunate enough to find some scanlations, I can discuss them in more detail in the future.

On the television front, there’s Robot Chicken’s FFVII Parody, which is very amusing and does a great job of capturing the quirks of the original game (midi music, weird NPC glitches, a spotty translation).

There’s also the anime series Welcome To The NHK, which features a two-parter where Sato discovers an MMORPG that is more than an obvious parody of Final Fantasy XI, right down to the opening movie.

The cameos only increase as Sato falls in love with a Mithra-inspired character, and starts having a really disturbing (and sadly, quite accurate) obsession with the online world.

Of course, any MMORPG veteren should be well aware of how this online romance will turn out.

And finally, there’s Captain N’s final episode, which places Kevin and friends into the world of Final Fantasy.

I’ve never actually seen this episode, but it’s somewhat ironic that FF ends up as the final adventure for this Nintendo-sponsored series. I won’t go and say that Square’s shift to the Playstation was the primary downfall of the Nintendo 64….but I bet it didn’t help, either.

Anyway, as far as adaptions go, I suppose they got the gist of the first game down, since it did have a prince, a witch, and an evil warlock. But as far as any resemblance to characters, it doesn’t exist. Captain N has always been guilty of taking liberties with famous videogame characters (just look at Mega Man, aka “Bobby Hill in Green Spandex”), but it doesn’t help that the show’s budget pretty much tanked by the third season.

And that concludes things. Well, there’s also a Two and a Half Men episode where Charlie Sheen’s fat-ass nephew is dying to rent the “newest Final Fantasy” (which turns out to be FFX, although once he starts playing it, the music turns out to be the battle BGM from FFII, PS1 edition), but I can’t find a clip online, and I don’t feel like putting too much effort searching for it.

So instead, I’ll leave you with this.

* Final Fantasy: Legend of the Crystal images taken from Hardcore Gaming 101

* Manga cameo images taken from FF Compendium

Retroactive Reviews: FEAR 2: Project Origin

My next editorial has been taking longer than I anticipated (sitting as a draft for almost a week, yikes), so in the meantime I just wanted to share my latest review, which was just submitted to Armchair.

Not much to say, especially since I’m all set to pick up Resident Evil 5 soon. Enjoy.

F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origin

Score: 6.5/10

When the original F.E.A.R. hit the PC back in 2005, FPS junkies were caught off guard by the game’s innovative horror elements, adding hallucinatory effects and disturbing images of a demonic little girl that followed players at all times; it was a violent head-trip that was closer to the Silent Hill series of videogames, along with Japanese horror films like The Ring.

Now, 4 years later and under the umbrella of a new publisher, developer Monolith Studios has released F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origin, using a revamped engine and an extra dose of production values in order to teach console and PC owners alike to “fear Alma again.”

Taking place just mere moments before the first game’s explosive climax, we are treated to a new team of soldiers, with players taking the first person view of Michael Becket, a Delta Force operator tasked with the retrieval of an Armacham VIP, who is under fire from a team of mercenaries hired by her own corporation to give her one heck of a retirement party. Completing the first level gives players a window view of Alma’s immediate release, followed by her PMS-induced psychic nuke of the entire city. From there, corporate truths are uncovered, legions of Replicant soldiers are gunned down, fellow allies are picked apart in typical horror fashion, and the now teenage Alma parades around nude like Mardi Grad. Someone should tell her she’s not getting paid to go wild.

Monolith Studios had once stated that by giving the protagonist a name, players would be able to identify and care about him more than their previous, nameless soldiers. Unfortunately, they forgot to include a personality with the name, reducing Becket as yet another disposable, empty vessel for gamers to occupy. Becket’s squad mates, a rag-tag bunch of clichés and stereotypes, fail to do anything that’ll make us remember them once Alma starts psychically stripping off their flesh, and supporting internet shut-in Snake Fist, the only character with any semblance of personality, is also a caricature that we’ve seen dozens of times already (but on the upside, he’s nowhere near as annoying as F.E.A.R. 1’s fat bastard Norton Mapes).

Fortunately, the action and gunplay far outshine the drab personalities. Shootouts always result in destroyed debris and dismembered limbs, and the AI enemies can be quite tenacious in their attacks as well as their tactics. It’s just too bad the soldiers have a habit of shouting out their strategies before implementing them, always giving players time to take countermeasures. And despite the new cover feature, where nearly every piece of furniture and table can be knocked over to absorb bullet fire, it’s almost never necessary, as there’s plenty of walls and pillars to stand behind; while the enemy units try to take cover themselves, they don’t do a very good job of leaving their heads and limbs unexposed. In short, F.E.A.R. 2 isn’t very challenging, especially to anyone who mastered the original; With plenty of ammo, health packs, and armor on hand, the only times these elite soldiers might pose a challenge is when the slow-mo meter needs to recharge, but conservative players should rarely come across that problem.

The visuals, while not quite reaching the splendor of modern FPS hits like Bioshock, Call of Duty 4 or the recently released Killzone 2, still manage to impress with its combination of special effects and stable framerate. Unfortunately, aside from slow motion gore effects and bullet-ridden walls and furniture, the repetitive and stale areas give the graphics engine few chances to show us what’s under the hood. The most opportune moment comes during areas taking place in the middle of the city, fresh from its nuclear coating. Crumbling buildings, ash-covered corpses, and blood red skies make up the game’s most impressive location, but also makes its brief completion all the more unfortunate.

That just leaves the supernatural elements as the game’s last chance for creativity. For this sequel, the developers have decided to keep the slow motion strolls through illusionary hallways and paranormal fake outs to a minimum. Considering the monotony of such events from the first game and its expansions, this was probably the wisest choice to avoid repetition, but for horror game fans looking for memorable scares, they’ll probably be the most disappointed. With a couple of small exceptions, the horror elements in F.E.A.R. 2 never evolve past a few distant shots of Alma along with a battery-draining rumble effect throughout most levels. Any attempts to make the pissed off ghost girl still appear relevant are mostly obscured by motion blur and bloom. Likewise, the game’s final climax is meant to deliver one final chilling climax, but instead ends up as a brief and forced “twist” that offers no explanation or context other than that Monolith Studios wants to make F.E.A.R. 3. Likewise, the text-based intel, scattered throughout each area, have a habit of removing any tension from the action and aesthetics by forcing players to stop and read pivotal story bits. What’s worse is that these texts don’t contain any feeling of ominous dread like in Resident Evil, but merely explain the facts behind Project Origin, Alma, and all affiliated information like Wiki entries.

As for the game’s multiplayer feature, it mainly plays like more like a prettier Halo 3, but without the latter’s polish or balance. Camping becomes an all too common feature, players mainly have no choice but to stick to the optional heavy armor in order to avoid dying in under three seconds, and the much touted ability to pilot heavily armed robots becomes a serious balance issue when the opposing team has their giant robot handy, while having their members camp the other team’s machine so that they can’t pilot it in defense.

While F.E.A.R. 2 still delivers in its action and grim setting, especially for fans of the original, FPS games have evolved since 2005, and the very innovations that made the first game stand out have now become cliché and drawn out. A third entry is inevitable, but it will take substantially more effort and creativity before anyone could ever “fear Alma again”.

Retroactive Reviews: R-Type Dimensions

Before I post my next review, I wanted to share another Delicious Deal. For one day only, Amazon is selling Banjo Kazooie:

Nuts and Bolts for $20.

I’ll be skipping on this one. The game has some gorgeous visuals, but I wanted Banjo 3, not Banjo Car Builder. If they included the XBLA version of the first game with this deal, it would be a much more enticing package.

Anyway, here’s my 2nd review for Dark Zero. You guys get a sneak peek before it goes up on their site.

R-Type Dimensions

Score: 8/10

I’m not sure what started the trend, but arcade shooters have found a good home on Xbox Live Arcade. With Microsoft’s box playing host to shooters of the top/down, side-scrolling, and bullet-hell variety, the number of thumb-twitching shooter games continues to grow, and so do Japan’s audience. It’s a good fit, overall.

It was only a matter of time before one of the most celebrated shooters would make its way to XBLA, and that day has come courtesy of Irem, Tozai, and Southend Interactive with the release of R-Type Dimensions, a high definition redux of the first two games in the classic arcade series.

The R-Type series isn’t quite as well known as Konami’s Gradius series, but the following of Irem’s arcade classic is still strong, and this newest high def reimagining is the perfect introduction for newcomers looking to experience classic levels of frustration.

Set in the 22nd century, R-Type centers around a war between humans and an evil alien force called the Bydo Empire. It’s your standard shoot-em-up plotline, but at least it was detailed enough at the time. The short of it is that you are piloting the “Arrowhead”, a lone combat ship sent out to take down the entire race of phallic-shaped monstrosities on its own (or with a friend. It has co-op!). Players will start on the left side of the universe and blast its way to the right, with a number of obstacles (both predatory and immovable, respectively) standing in their way across six stages.

For being such an old shoot ‘em up, R-Type brought forth some notable innovations to the genre, most notably with its “Force” power-up; By collecting the power-up from a specific enemy, an extra flying pod will appear that can attach to the front and back of the Arrowhead like a shield. And just like a shield, the Force can repel standard enemy attacks, and even enemies themselves by making contact with them. Like Skywalker in the trench, mastering the Force is key to surviving the onslaught of enemies and their big colorful laser beams, and collecting additional power-ups to upgrade your arsenal as well as your shield’s helps balance the difficulty from impossible to difficult.

Did I mention the game is hard as all hell out? Another famous landmark of the series, R-Type games may not have invented the term “bullet hell”, but it certainly deserves coining the phrase “environment hell”; Even if you can keep track of the swarm of pests blasting away at you, the many walls, nooks, and crannies that make up the areas (both organic and science fiction in nature) could result in an immediate crash. One especially annoying level in R-Type 2 has the environment constantly changing shape, with walls stretching in and out for maximum controller tossing.

But for shooter fans, they wouldn’t have it any other way, yet the game also caters to the casual crowd with an “Infinite Mode”. In addition to the standard “Classic Mode”, Infinite Mode is so named for giving players an unlimited amount of lives as well as the ability to immediately respawn at the spot that they died. For pro gamers, it gives them a new challenge to see how few ships they can sacrifice per stage, while casuals can get a quick tour through both games as well as nabbing the achievements for completion. The trade off, though, is that starting over in certain, more hectic areas without any power-ups or shield can result in rapid deaths, especially the final boss and its unavoidable homing lasers.

While both R-Type games can be played in their original iterations, Southend has gone the extra mile to deliver a number of visual additions for both high def and retro enthusiasts; The remixed version of the graphics feature fully 3D polygons of the classic stages and enemies, and as a neat bonus players can instantly switch from the original and remade graphics with the push of a button. Additional visual effects include an “insane” camera mode that tilts the HD graphics in an angle, in order to create some bizarre hologram card effect (you know, the ones from the 90’s), as well as the ability to play the classic visuals on a virtual arcade cabinet; It might prove distracting from the swarm of enemies, but it is neat in a retro sort of way. And speaking of retro, you can also apply various filters to give the visuals an 8-bit feel, among other combinations.

The only disappointment is that the soundtrack hasn’t received a similar treatment. The only available music the original chiptunes, although they are still quite charming in their own right. At least there’s always the option of custom soundtracks.

In closing, R-Type Dimensions is a worthy attempt in catering to series fans, shooter fans, and retro fans at the same time. It’s easy to get into, but quite hard to master. Let’s hope they soon adapt the rest of the R-Type games with the same care they brought with Dimensions.

Retroactive Reviews: Skate 2

I caught a late night screening of Friday the 13th last night. It really blew my mind that Jason actually runs after people now. I was always a big fan of the power walk, but seeing him do a machete jog across the woods was even creepier than I imagined.

Too bad that was the only real innovation in this remake; I know they wanted to pay homage to classic horror with their teenage stereotypes, but the cliches are getting really old and tired. You’ve got the white asshole, the sarcastic but always disposable black guy, the dorky, girlfriend-lacking stoner, the big boobed slut, the level headed nice guy and his sensible, morally outraged girlfriend (who always ends up as the “final girl”). Then of course there’s the creepy old lady who warns the outsiders not to piss off “him”, the creepier buck-toothed paint sniffer, and the lone cop who is usually killed even faster than the black guy (the cop in this movie probably took the record, seeing how he died in about 15 seconds from his appearance).

Well, if nothing else, the Friday remake also innovates by including a total of three big boobed sluts. That’s progress, I suppose.

Today’s review is Skate 2, for the Armchair Empire. This was one of the harder games for me to review, since I haven’t played a skateboarding game since Tony Hawk 3 on the PS2. When it came time to criticize the tough controls, I was worried if I was only being biased due to my inexperience with the genre. And having not played Skate I, I had to be careful not to mention what had improved in the sequel, if anything.

Still, I know legitimate flaws when I see them, so overall I wrote about what I needed to. If any of you happen to be fans of skating games, go ahead and add an extra point to my score. I always make sure to score these things with Joe Gamer in mind, which is why I tend to avoid sequels to series or genres that I happen to be particularly into.

Skate 2

Score: 7.5/10

Skate 2 opens up with a live action video sequence that plays out like somebody’s amateur YouTube film. Once the pretentious humor and obscure Shining references finish up, your custom character is released from prison; The reason for his incarceration is never mentioned, but considering the strict anti-skating laws prevalent around the city (from violent security guards to “skate proof” railings), it was probably the real world equivalent of loitering. Didn’t skating stop being a frowned upon sport once the 90’s were over?

After tweaking the character’s post-jail look, players are treated to a series of tutorial quests to help him (and you) relearn his skating skills. Once the initial steps are taken, much of the world immediately opens for you to freely roam around in. The main draw, of course is partaking in the challenges riddled throughout, involving various skating techniques performed on different obstacles and environments; a handy warp feature lets players jump to any of the on-screen challenges displayed on the map.

Every location in this game offers unique challenges that make use of its surrounding environment; a high school will feature outside stairs, lunch tables, and large folk art decorations that players can ramp, grind, and jump around; a friend may host an outdoor pool party, with a large drained pool to skate in, or another friend may be fronting some cash for an all-out highway race (traffic included). While each challenge may offer different demands and objects to interact with, they all come down to players having to skate, and skate well.

This is where newcomers may feel daunted by Skate 2’s steep learning curve. Just about every button is used to perform the different actions, and learning how to combine those buttons is the key to garnering a high school to finish the more strenuous challenges. The right analog stick in particular is something that must be mastered, as EA has mapped all the jumps onto it. A basic hop command requires holding down on the right stick to build up momentum, and then flick the stick upward to jump. More advanced controls involve flicking the analog stick in all kinds of directions, in conjunction with all the other buttons. While many of the early challenges offer tutorial videos for each maneuver, most amateur players will still have to devote a lot of practice in order to pull off those long combo strings without falling flat on their face.

Should the latter occur, however (and it will), the game will actually reward you for just how badly you mess yourself up; falling flat on your butt after messing up a skating maneuver will earn you “Thrasher” points, which can result in a decent amount of money depending on how Jackass you’re willing to go (I suppose they deduct from the health insurance). Your most fractured fractures will be displayed on the “Annals of Meat” section of Slappy’s Blog (which also keeps track of ongoing challenges and requests throughout the city); it’s quite ironic that the one instance where a “don’t try this at home” message is practically required is nowhere to be found.

Players also have the option of saving their favorite stunts (or crashes) as replay videos and photos, which can be edited, saved, and uploaded to the official Skate 2 website to be viewed by other players (videos and photos can also be viewed within the game’s Xbox Live section). Unfortunately, the more advanced editing features will require an additional fee in the form of the ever dreaded DLC.

The online portion of Skate 2 is quite robust as well, offering several multiplayer modes such as Freeskate, Ranked and Unranked matches, and even a “Create a Spot” browser, where creative users can create their own spots for additional skating, and can also be hosted online for other players to rank and download accordingly.

Visually, Skate 2 features simple models and backdrops, but are rendered quite sharply, especially on a hi-def television. Your custom character also features visible scrapes and dirt after suffering a few face plants. Unfortunately, the camera will occasionally have trouble keeping up with speedy skaters, and the off-timed angles can cause a lot of frustration when players crash into an object that was visibly obscured (this is especially apparent in highway races, where an oncoming car will turn you into a fly on its windshield with no warning).

Another point of frustration is getting stuck in-between ramps or other foreign objects. Players have the option of getting off their board at any time, but the controls do not adapt to this change, and walking ends up feeling jerky and uncomfortable as a result of the tank-like controls and a camera that remains permanently attached behind you.

In the end, despite the lengthy learning curve and a few aesthetic hiccups, Skate 2 is just about the finest and most feature-filled skating game that fans will eagerly eat up, as well as a slew of patient newcomers looking to stick it to the man with their gnarly and righteous skater skills.

Retroactive Reviews: Exisled

It’s spring break for me right now, which gives me plenty of time to make up for last week’s dry spell. I won’t make any promises, but I should have enough content to justify a new blog post every day this week.

First, let’s get this big turd out of the way. I’m certain none of you have heard about this game before, and will likely forget about it after reading my review. That’s fine, because the games coming afterward are much more notable, including a classic shooter, an FPS that thinks it’s The Ring, Final Farming VII, and a zip file’s worth of emulated games collected into one disc.

For my first contribution to Dark Zero, here’s Exisled.

Exisled:

What kind of word is ‘Exisled’? It doesn’t appear in any sort of dictionary, be it urban or wiki in nature. Is the S supposed to be silent? Is it the French way to say things?

The time spent in pondering the bizarre name of this XNA title can also be spent browsing the Marketplace for a game more worthy of your Microsoft Points. Xbox Live Community games are designed to offer simple, innovative creations by indie developers without any sort of restriction by Microsoft.

The plot of Exisled involves an evil corporation with the not so subtle name of “Smog”, who is dumping several barrels of harmful toxins into the oceans while strengthening their military might across several island HQs. Is toxin dumping really a lucrative business? Do they plan to rule the world once all the trees and ocean life die out?

With Captain Planet nowhere to be found, it falls upon an unnamed taskforce sending in a lone helicopter to take on Smog’s entire battalion of airplanes, gunboats, and turrets, destroying each heavily armed island fortress until reaching the main Smog HQ for a final showdown. After all, what’s a better way to clean up the oceans than by filling it with destroyed scrap metal, spent ammunition, and an endless amount of corpses?

The gameplay involves controlling the lone helicopter and your objective is to destroy a specific number of Smog bases within a set amount of time. Obviously, there’s a large amount of enemy resistance that increases with each level. If your helicopter is taking too much damage, you can fly back to your starting HQ for a quick refilling of ammo and life.

As for ammo, all you’re given is an infinite amount of bullets and three cluster bombs. Even worse, neither one does much damage to the enemy’s fortified bases and towers; firing at a targeted fortress with the standard gun can take well over five minutes before its health is completely depleted, and that’s not accounting for nearby enemies delaying your brick by brick wall tearing. Destroyed enemies drop powerups that can increase the firing rate of your weapon… provided you collect 20 or more of the powerups. Only afterwards does your weapon change into something deadlier and straight out of Gradius, which can effortlessly mow down anything in its path. It’s just too bad the weapon upgrades don’t carry over to the next level, forcing you to start with the same pea shooter every time.

There’s really not much else to the game. You shoot down each Smog base, move on to the next level with even more bases and enemies to destroy. The only increase in the good guy’s forces is a few extra turrets to protect your HQ from enemies (once time runs out, the enemies will counter-attack with some undefeatable ships zeroing in on your base). The time limit rarely becomes a consequence, however, and losing a life during a mission just instantly restarts that same level as many times as necessary. There’s no real loss in this game, because there’s no real challenge except from the mundane shooting down of the heavily fortified bases.

It also takes less than an hour to reach the final Smog Island, which is shaped like a giant skull and crossbones (the only thing missing is a heavy-handed environmental message at the end). Once that mission is finished, there’s no other reason to replay this game; there’s no co-op mode of any kind, nor are there Achievements (you’re given awards during the mission, but they aren’t viewable at all, and seem to offer absolutely no purpose whatsoever). Either one of these additions would help increase the longevity of this title.

Spend your MS points elsewhere. Or better yet, go check out some Captain Planet reruns. Either choice is a better investment.

Score: 3/10